On Achievement.
Isn’t it funny how we were happy as kids irrespective of whether we achieved or not. It was sunshine and butterflies until we began to advance in life.
The sad thing about advancing and losing your innocence is that your joy begins to lurk behind achievements — for example, moving out of your parents house, getting a job, having money and a woman to call yours. Sometimes I wonder if the people that claim they have found joy in the non tangibles say so because it is convenient. If their world tilted a little bit would they still see joy in these things? if the ever cheerful lady loses her job or house would she still find joy in friendships or sunsets? or maybe I am not deep enough to understand the level of depth and awareness they have attained.
I have found myself unhappy at everything except achievement. The sad thing with my struggle is that in the bank of achievements I have little deposit.
On Christianity
I grew up under the umbrella of Christianity. I was more religious growing up and I felt like if I ever wanted to take my relationship serious with God it was going to be easy. But just like I wrote in Father, I struggle it has been a battle. I have also come to the awakening that being Christian is no ticket to a trouble free life. It easy to preach that even though you encounter trouble there is hope knowing that God will not let you go through what you cannot handle. I quiver at this thought so much because I know of a christian that lost two wives in one lifetime and few years after the second wife died, he passed too. I am teary as I write this. I know of another whose parents died in helicopter crash. I ponder at the gravity of this pain and wonder if there is a message behind it. I fear, I fear, I really do fear because looking in from the outside the pain feels too much to bear.
It is wonderful when you find a community of believers that you can be part of, one where you can be yourself. My story is a little different because whenever I am in their midst I feel like an alien — a misfit. I cannot explain this but I never feel at home around them, though the Good Book says we are siblings I feel like the hideous cousin that is being tolerated. Where do you run to when you feel like a misfit in your Fathers House? Father again, I struggle.
On Love
I turn 27 in a few days and I have come to terms with the fact that I do not want to do this life alone. I feel no one should. Life is too complicated to strut through it alone — you will break down, I promise you will. As I write this, selfless by the strokes is drumming through my speakers. It reminds of vulnerable love — the type of love that is almost extinct in my generation. This might kill my thug life personality but I want a love that makes me feel the way the way this song makes me feel. In to find love, you must first dance with madness, I explained the circus I enrolled in because of this search.
I yearn for a time when I will show her these stories and throw a jab at her for taking so long to come into my life. I yearn for a life time of vulnerability — I really do.
THANK YOU FOR READING. PLEASE LEAVE A CLAP OR FIFTY.
